The Random Ramblings of One K-Dubs

Phatcorndog

Can't really figure out what is wrong with me these days.

For starters, my sleep schedule is all screwed up.  I've been having this terrible cough since right about Thanksgiving, and it's really annoying me.  My throat doesn't hurt, and I'm definitely not sick (flu like sick symptoms, virus, etc.), but I keep coughing up huge balls of phlegm, which my body has decided it will produce at about 10X the normal rate, making it virtually impossible to sleep lying down without some sort of aid.  As a result, less sleep during the night means more daytime naps, and the thus the vicious cycle begins.  I may have to bite the bullet by buying some Mucinex,  but its amazing how many things you have to cut back on in terms of expenses when you don't hold a part-time job.  In retrospect, I really don't know how I would have ever survived at G'town without working as much as I did (especially the last two years).

I should have all the motivation in the world to do work right now, but I can't for longer than 30 minute stretches at a time.  And it's not like I'm distracted by outside things (i.e. going out too much, TV, etc.).  I just feel worn down, and really apathetic because I've worked so hard and have nothing to show for it, so I get into that whole "Well I've already tried and nothing has worked, why even bother?" attitude, which sucks.  It's been an uphill battle for me the past eight and a half years, and it's really starting to take a toll on me.  This comes at the worst time too, with three exams (two big ones) coming up in a little over a week.

Having being put into the situations I've been in for the past eight and half years, I think I've become very good at judging other people and how people interact with each other.  A lot of people I've spoken to in the past have felt at times that I've held my friends up to standards that are way too high.  It's not like I constantly crave attention, but I do expect a certain amount of communication, compassion, and understanding from my friends.  Those who I consider to be my true friends know exactly what I'm talking about.  And aside from a very select few these past several months, a lot of people have not met those standards, and I feel awful about it.  Kerry has something very true written somewhere that I've remembered and taken to heart: "The only people you need in life are those who need you in theirs."  I'm a little disappointed that some have decided I'm not at the very least somewhat important in their lives , either unknowingly or knowingly.  Living alone off campus in a town where I know virtually nobody doesn't help the problem either.

I'm very envious of people who know what they are going to be doing in life.  The vast majority of people I know already hold down solid jobs or are in the midst of their professional education, and then here's me, the schmuck who seems to be fighting each day in vain for an unattainable goal.  Doesn't seem fair a lot of the time.

I can't believe I'm up at this hour venting, but I am, and at this point right now, I really hate myself, and it's the worst feeling in the world. 

Phatcorndog

I know it's early by a day, but seeing how tomorrow will be spent with family, I'd like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas.

It's good to be back home in Jersey.  Philly was really wearing on me, especially post Thanksgiving break, and I seriously think it was getting into my head and scrambling my brain.  I'm very thankful for the 2 weeks or so that I have to recharge and get myself prepared to undertake next semester's grueling work schedule and do better than I have done.  I'm also very thankful of having time to spend with friends back home, many of whom are now out in the workforce and have not had much time off from their jobs until now, as well as several others who have been elsewhere across the eastern seaboard who have made their way home.

My fantasy football team appears to have clinched the league championship.  It'll be the first time one of my teams has ever won.  200 dollars richer isn't a bad way to start off the break.

In other news, I ran my lifetime record to 8-1 at AC with a successful showing during Bert's annual East Coast visit.  Couple that with some Fat sandwiches from the Rutgers grease trucks and just generally a good time while driving up and chilling at Jenny's apartment, I'd have to say Monday was a pretty good day.

Here's to hoping the rest of the break will be as good as the first days of break have been.